Hell on Earth?

I went for my first ever psychic reading last month. I generally have a healthy level of scepticism about things like this, but I have to admit that she did know some things about me, my family, and my friends.

While some details were generalisations that could have been applied to many people in many situations, other details were so specific. Almost to the point where she said something bad about a member of my family – surely a shyster would’ve stuck to nice things for fear of offending and losing money?!

She knew things about me too, for example that I suffer with depression, and have recently changed jobs.

I’ll be honest: not all of it was spot on, but the session made me feel good. I felt comforted. And understood. Maybe that’s why they are so popular – they give you comfort when you don’t even realise you need comforting.

One thing we talked about has played on my mind though: Hell. Apparently Earth is Hell. There is no lower than this. What we do here affects where we go next, whether to one of the many levels in Heaven, or back to Earth to try again.

I’ll freely admit I’m going through quite a low patch right now, and maybe that’s influencing what I’m about to write quite a lot, but in my head right now, it makes perfect sense.

THAT’S why it’s such a bloody struggle.

THAT’S why nothing ever goes smoothly

THAT’S why I don’t always have enough money to eat.

THAT’S why the state of the world practically reduces me to tears on a regular basis.

My world IS a living Hell.

I don’t know if this is a punishment for living badly the previous time, or if I’m brand new and just starting at the very bottom, but it does seem that I should just stop hoping for it to get better and face the fact that this is life for me until I clock out.

Love is all around

In Love Actually, Hugh Grant paints a wonderful picture of the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport:


“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”

I’ve had a similar experience at the Check In desk of Manchester Airport today. I was fortunate enough to be stood very close to the escalator to the departure gates for about three hours, and during this time I was witness to so many moving scenes.

Whole families were turning out to say goodbye to one traveller. With brave faces, and love in their eyes they wished them well on their travels.

Fathers saying goodbye to their children as they left for a business trip.

A father trying so hard not to cry, as his 24 year old son left to start a new life in Japan.

Lovers kissing and crying as one of them was off to travel the world.

An engaged couple embracing, excited to be getting married abroad.

A whole family so excited because they were travelling to Cape Town to meet relatives they’d never met.

Nobody was angry. Nobody was rude. Nobody was abusive. It was a perfect three hours of love, and with the state of the world today, I wish everyone could have witnessed it.

This is my Life

proud to be me

I’m perfectly happy with myself at last;
I’ve finally managed to shake off my past.
I know who I am and I know what I’m doing;
I have new dreams that I’m wholeheartedly pursuing.

Continue reading


holding hands

Today has been a weird one
Full of stress and tears.
My head, it has been pounding
And I’ve felt older than my years.
I thought I’d lost a friend, you see,
And that thought tore me apart;
Although I’ve never met the man
He’s lodged inside my heart.
We became good friends on Twitter:
Sharing thoughts by Tweet
We learnt so much about each other
And planned one day, to meet.
It begun to get confusing –
We maybe crossed a line,
We both enjoyed it so much
So pretended it was fine.
The reality is we went too far
And something had to give
It seems that it had overflowed
into the life he lived.
We worked it out as good friends do
And set the boundaries
Both knowing its how it has to be
And both very pleased
That we made it through the other side,
our friendship still so strong
It’s not like we’re teenagers:
We both know right from wrong.
So now today is over
And peace, at last, is mine,
I’m grateful that I haven’t lost
My friend, a man so fine.

Drunken Text

drunk text

The evenings getting late and I’m sitting here alone,
Trying to keep busy but keep looking at my phone.
I sent a text while drunk last night and it’s playing on my mind,
It was a message to an amazing friend and they are hard to find.
My text said he was on my mind and I wished that he was here,
But I’ve heard nothing from him all day and I’m really starting to fear
That he’s offended or disgusted by what I had to say,
And now he’s trying desperately to quietly back away.
I know, he could be busy or just not had time to reply,
But he also could be angry and think my friendship was a lie,
And think all I ever wanted was him and me as one,
When really I just wanted a friend, something light and fun.
It’s true, feelings have developed that I don’t know how to hide,
Plus hiding would be dishonest and I try to never lie.
But don’t let it come between us, as our friendship is so great
If I can’t have you as anything else I still want you as my mate.
I trust you with everything, you know me inside out
And you never take the piss out of any of the crap I spout
Instead, you support me, give me confidence and praise
I hope you’re in my life somehow, for the rest of my days.
I worry that I can’t give you all that you give me
I hate feeling it’s all one way – I worry I’m too needy
But here, I make a promise. A vow forever true
If ever you need anything, I will be there for you.


If I’m feeling down
He holds me tight.
He doesn’t ask why
Just holds me as long as I need.

If I’m poorly he comes to me
Holds my hand, kisses my forehead
Drives me to the medical centre at 4am
Then gets me home and tucks me in.

He lets me choose the movie
And I try to pick one he’ll like
But if he didn’t like it he wouldn’t say,
He’d just smile and squeeze my hand.

If I wake in the night
He can always tell.
He pulls me close
Holds me till I’m asleep again.


Is my love for you wrong?
That first sip;
The way you ease down my throat.

I feel the blanket of warmth lower,
Gently taking me
Reassuring me that everything is ok.

My heart rate slows, my worries fade;
This must be safe:
How could anything bad help me so much?

My glass is empty. What do I do?
Time for bed?
Perhaps just one more glass.

I Am Me

I am me
That’s all I’ll ever be
But will it be enough
To get me through the rough?
Will it ever change?
Will I always feel the pain?
It’s so easy to smile –
Put my brave face on a while
But it drops when I’m alone
My soul as heavy as a stone.
I’m like an empty shell
Stuck in this endless hell,
Hoping to find a friend
Someone to make me smile again.
But I’m too scared to trust –
Because it always turns to dust.
So, I guess this is my fate
Just to sit alone and wait
For life to completely pass me by.
Until at last: the end. I die.

I used to wonder….

I used to wonder – do you miss me?
The way we talked all night long
The way our bodies came together as one
Almost as though we were meant to be.

I look around the room and see mementos of our past
The statue from Greece. The print from Prague.
The dents in my heart where you tried to break it.
It’s stronger than you thought – it beats so proud.

The things we collected are purely things –
No special memories or sentimental worth.
My life is my own, and I’m using it wisely,
and as I sit here I know – I don’t miss you.

29th May 2012