Is it worth the effort?

friendships

Sometimes in life you look at various friendships you’ve been blessed with and just occasionally, you realise that a few have one thing in common.
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REO Speedwagon – Take it on the Run

I came across some old CDs in a box this week while having a poke about in my spare room. As soon as I saw my old REO Speedwagon CD so many memories came flooding back and I had to sit down to take it all in properly. It’s not as if I’ve ever stopped thinking about him; more that I don’t think about all the little wonderful things about our friendship and the life we lived.

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Today

holding hands

Today has been a weird one
Full of stress and tears.
My head, it has been pounding
And I’ve felt older than my years.
I thought I’d lost a friend, you see,
And that thought tore me apart;
Although I’ve never met the man
He’s lodged inside my heart.
We became good friends on Twitter:
Sharing thoughts by Tweet
We learnt so much about each other
And planned one day, to meet.
It begun to get confusing –
We maybe crossed a line,
We both enjoyed it so much
So pretended it was fine.
The reality is we went too far
And something had to give
It seems that it had overflowed
into the life he lived.
We worked it out as good friends do
And set the boundaries
Both knowing its how it has to be
And both very pleased
That we made it through the other side,
our friendship still so strong
It’s not like we’re teenagers:
We both know right from wrong.
So now today is over
And peace, at last, is mine,
I’m grateful that I haven’t lost
My friend, a man so fine.

Drunken Text

drunk text

The evenings getting late and I’m sitting here alone,
Trying to keep busy but keep looking at my phone.
I sent a text while drunk last night and it’s playing on my mind,
It was a message to an amazing friend and they are hard to find.
My text said he was on my mind and I wished that he was here,
But I’ve heard nothing from him all day and I’m really starting to fear
That he’s offended or disgusted by what I had to say,
And now he’s trying desperately to quietly back away.
I know, he could be busy or just not had time to reply,
But he also could be angry and think my friendship was a lie,
And think all I ever wanted was him and me as one,
When really I just wanted a friend, something light and fun.
It’s true, feelings have developed that I don’t know how to hide,
Plus hiding would be dishonest and I try to never lie.
But don’t let it come between us, as our friendship is so great
If I can’t have you as anything else I still want you as my mate.
I trust you with everything, you know me inside out
And you never take the piss out of any of the crap I spout
Instead, you support me, give me confidence and praise
I hope you’re in my life somehow, for the rest of my days.
I worry that I can’t give you all that you give me
I hate feeling it’s all one way – I worry I’m too needy
But here, I make a promise. A vow forever true
If ever you need anything, I will be there for you.
x

He

If I’m feeling down
He holds me tight.
He doesn’t ask why
Just holds me as long as I need.

If I’m poorly he comes to me
Holds my hand, kisses my forehead
Drives me to the medical centre at 4am
Then gets me home and tucks me in.

He lets me choose the movie
And I try to pick one he’ll like
But if he didn’t like it he wouldn’t say,
He’d just smile and squeeze my hand.

If I wake in the night
He can always tell.
He pulls me close
Holds me till I’m asleep again.

The Search for Love…

I’m single, and looking for love. I’ve tried the night out clubbing thing, and decided it’s not for me. Generally you meet people who want sex, not love. And as I’m not really a clubber, why would I want to meet somebody who could potentially be into clubbing a lot?

I don’t want to meet anyone at work; it’s never good to mix work and pleasure. Exciting, yes. But not a smart thing to do.

So what does that leave? Tesco?! Do I really hope to find love there? Maybe brushing fingers with a suitable single man as we both reach for the last Meal for One? I really don’t see that happening any time soon!

I decided some time ago to enter the ever-so-surreal world of online dating. And since that decision was made, I’ve tried quite a few different sites – which often feature a lot of the same people – and met quite a few weird and wonderful men.

One in particular stands out. We first started talking about a year ago, and we hit it off straight away. We instant messaged, moved on to texting, and then to phone calls. It was a great time for both of us; we got on so well. The only thing wrong was that he lived too far away for a relationship to really be practical. We both knew it, talked about it, but still kept chatting, none the less.

One of the things we started chatting about more and more was meeting up for a weekend. We were both single so there seemed no harm in it. Eventually we planned a weekend in London together. He booked the hotel, we both got the train there and met at the station. And it was perfect. He was such a gentleman; he treated me like a princess all weekend, held doors for me, looked after me on the tube (I love the tube, and would have been fine on my own, but it made me feel special having him take care of me), he took me to a lovely restaurant for dinner, we went to the cinema, then after we walked through Leicester Square. It was November, so the Christmas lights were up, and it was truly magical. Not once during the whole evening was he not touching me in some way: holding my hand, arm around me, arms linked. I’d never felt so complete before. And haven’t since.

He is the benchmark I measure all first dates against, which is crazy as I know none will measure up.

The thing is though, I worry that the fact that I have done it makes me look desperate. And like a slut. I knew we didn’t have a future, but we got on so well and I wanted to feel special for a while. I don’t tell that many people about that, and a few other things I’ve done over the last two years. Scared of being judged I guess, which is something I think about a lot.

I told a very good friend about this last night, and his response surprised me. And made me think about it in a completely different way:

“Wow that sounds amazing. Didn’t you see him again? Your life sounds really cool to me. Really different and exciting – you are not afraid to take risks especially with your love life and that’s amazing to me.”

Since I received the above text I can’t stop thinking about it. Do I judge myself too harshly? Am I too self-critical? I worry so much about judging others; maybe I should cut myself some slack.

(Just in case you were wondering, I didn’t see him again. It was what it was, one fantastic weekend, and I’ll never regret it. We keep in touch by email – just as friends. Neither of us wants to let go completely, but we both know this is how it is.)